


Slaves to Unsaid Words

by i_kinda_like_writing



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Diary/Journal, Falling In Love, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Hate to Love, M/M, Mild Blood, Minor Violence, Oblivious, Panic Attacks, Poetry, Poindexter Family, Recreational Drug Use, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 17:15:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6865699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_kinda_like_writing/pseuds/i_kinda_like_writing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dex is sitting against Nursey’s bookcase when it literally falls open into his lap. “It” is a leather-bound notebook with lineless pages filled with neat, perfect cursive that was developed over years of prep schooling. It must be Nursey’s, something he’s written in; that handwriting is like a fingerprint. Maybe it’s a journal; maybe it’s a diary. It’s probably something very private that Dex should just put back. He’s just about to do exactly that when he sees the word love on the page and suddenly he becomes incredibly curious and can’t help himself. Hesitating for only a second, Dex picks it up and brings it closer to his face so he can read it. </p>
<p>you are a fire<br/>burning so hot, so strong<br/>your flames stung my skin<br/>and suddenly I loved<br/>being burned</p>
<p>It’s a poem, Dex realizes, frowning a little.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slaves to Unsaid Words

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first fic on ao3 about Check, Please! I hope you guys enjoy it!  
> The title comes from a quote by Winston Churchill that I rearranged a little; "We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out."

         Dex is sitting against Nursey’s bookcase when it literally falls open into his lap. “It” is a leather-bound notebook with lineless pages filled with neat, perfect cursive that was developed over years of prep schooling. It must be Nursey’s, something he’s written in; that handwriting is like a fingerprint. Maybe it’s a journal; maybe it’s a diary. It’s probably something very private that Dex should just put back. He’s just about to do exactly that when he sees the word _love_ on the page and suddenly he becomes incredibly curious and can’t help himself. Hesitating for only a second, Dex picks it up and brings it closer to his face so he can read it.

 

_you are a fire_

_burning so hot, so strong_

_your flames stung my skin_

_and suddenly I loved_

_being burned_

 

          It’s a poem, Dex realizes, frowning a little. He’s never really gotten poetry before; he’s more of a “say what you mean” kind of guy. But something in this poem, in Nursey’s poem, makes him take pause. What does this mean? Dex wants to understand the words Nursey chose, what they mean in this context; ultimately, he wants to understand Nursey. It’s a completely foreign feeling.

          He picks up the book and flips to a new page.

 

_I was a pond_

_skin unbroken, surface calm and smooth_

_a careful poise of stillness_

_if I remained motionless_

_none could see past the surface_

_You were a pebble_

_thrown into me_

_shattering my mask_

_and making meaning of my pieces_

 

          Dex suddenly hears footsteps outside the door and panics, not wanting Nursey to find Dex snooping through his things but also not knowing what to do. Frantically, he shoves the book into his backpack and pretends like nothing is wrong when Nursey walks in the door.

          “Ready to go?” Dex asks coolly, hiding his panic.

          “Yeah,” Nursey replies, grabbing his coat. “Let’s go.”

          Dex and his backpack follow Nursey out the door, the book of stolen poems tucked away safely.

          After that, Dex almost forgets about his thievery until he’s searching for his math homework a week later and finds the book instead. He pulls it out and frowns, forgetting what it is, before he remembers and flushes straight down his neck, the color disappearing under the neckline of his shirt. He should give it back, he knows, but suddenly he realizes that these poems are about someone. Someone Nursey obviously cares for.

          And suddenly, Dex wants desperately to know who that is.

          So he opens it up to the first page and starts reading.

 

*~*~*

 

_I have never felt anger_

_until I met you_

_that was fluttering annoyance_

_a mild dislike_

_this is explosive_

_burning me up from the inside_

_how can you light me on fire?_

_who gave you the matches?_

 

          Dex liked his new hockey team. A lot, actually, a lot more than he liked his old one. The hockey team he was on back in Maine was filled with a bunch of hyper-masculine dudes, many of them quick to fight if they thought another guy was looking at him too long. They weren’t bad guys; they were just not really Dex’s type of friend. Back in Maine, he mostly just hung out with his family; his hockey team was just another group of people he associated with when necessary.

          The Samwell Men’s Hockey Team took that notion and smashed it against the boards. They didn’t let Dex keep to himself; they pulled him in with pie and feminist rants and weird debates that had no relevance to anything ever. It was… intoxicating. They weren’t like Dex either, but they didn’t care, and neither did he. His differences were accepted and encouraged. They liked his company and not only did they not care if Dex’s eyes accidentally lingered on exposed skin, but a couple of them had no qualms about touching one another while in various states of undress (there was one memorable time when Holster and Ransom body slammed while they were both completely naked.)

          Dex loved it. These crazy weirdos were _good_ and Dex needed more good in his life. The only problem, though, was his defensive partner. Derek Nurse, resident hipster and pretentious asshole. The guy grew up in New York City in a Brownstone that probably cost more than all of Dex’s uncles’ houses combined. Something about him just infuriated Dex, his stupid expensive clothes and his uncaring attitude towards money.

          Dex grew up counting pennies, dropping his tips from waiting tables in the jar in his parents’ kitchen so his sister Sadie could get new shoes, staying home during school field trips because Max’s braces were more important than the aquarium, taking naps in between school and hockey and shifts of work, repairing his own ripped clothing because it was cheaper to buy a thread and needle than a new pair of jeans, freezing in the winter because he had outgrown his winter coat, and hating everyone for looking at him because he knew what they thought of him. Another poor kid who would never amount to anything.

          Derek Nurse took one look at Dex and came to the same conclusion and it _pissed Dex off_. He got into college, he worked hard for his athletic and academic scholarships, and he made money where he could. Dex was going to amount to something all because of hard work, not because his daddy bought it for him. Nursey would always be a trust fund brat. And as much as that infuriated him, Dex could ignore him and everything he represented if it let him just live his life.

          Well, he couldn’t always ignore it.

          “That pass was perfect! _You_ just weren’t paying attention.” Dex growled this into Nursey’s face, standing on the ice at Faber. Nursey had just mumbled about how Dex couldn’t pass or something to that effect and Dex hadn’t really gotten a lot of sleep the night before so he had been on edge. Nursey’s comment was just the last straw. Dex’s pass had been fine, it was just Nursey had been staring out a window because he was composing a fucking sonnet or something instead of having his head in the game.

          “I _was_ paying attention!” Nursey yelled, his precious “chill” apparently vacationing for the time being. “It was nowhere near me!”

          “Alright, boys, stop yelling.” Jack had skated over, frowning deeply at the both of them. Dex flushed, angry and embarrassed that his captain had to reprimand him for fighting. He wasn’t a child; he should have been able to keep himself composed on the ice. Nursey just got under his skin better than anything else.

          “Sorry, Jack,” Dex muttered, turning to go back to the drill. He sent Nursey one last dirty look before skating off, still angry and flustered.

          He didn’t see the heated, poetic complaint Nursey was writing in his mind.

 

*~*~*

 

_maybe there is something in the rubble_

_after you explode_

_maybe something soft and beautiful_

_hides in the rough edges you portray_

_maybe I want to delve deeper_

_and find the beauty beneath_

 

          Dex had been sitting in the Haus, hating physics and himself for not doing this work earlier, enjoying the relative silence. The Haus was mostly empty, save for Nursey, who was doing his laundry, and Jack, who was upstairs probably reading or watching a documentary or something. Dex was perfectly content to sit cursing his notes for being unclear. Then Nursey’s voice came down the stairs (which was strange, he was supposed to be in the basement), panicked and loud, “Dex! It’s Jack!”

           Dex didn’t really know what to make of that, but Nursey sounded scared, so he dropped his things and raced up the steps. He found Nursey kneeling on the ground in Jack’s room, next to Jack who was pulling painfully at his own hair and breathing at an erratic pace. Nursey had a frightened look on his face, completely out of his depth, hands raised in the air like he wasn’t sure if he could touch Jack while he was like that.

          “Shit,” Dex cursed, rushing over and getting onto his knees in front of Jack. “He’s having a panic attack,” he explained to Nursey quickly. “Go get water and call Shitty.” Nursey nodded, running out of the room, and Dex turned his attention back to Jack. “Hey, Jack, it’s Dex. I want to help you, okay?”

          Jack just gasped sharply.

          “Alright, alright, it’s going to be okay, I promise. I need you to listen to my breathing, okay? Try to match yours to mine.” Dex dramatized his breathing, in through his nose for five seconds and then out for five seconds.

          Jack glanced up, watching Dex as he breathed. He seemed to be trying to match his breathing to that, but it was hard. His own breathing came in fits and gasps, choking in air as if his throat was being closed up. Slowly, so incredibly slowly, he started to minimize the gasps and chokes. He started breathing in through his nose for a full five seconds, then shakily exhaling through his nose for the same amount of time, all through Dex’s coaching and encouragement.

         After Jack had gotten his breathing completely under control, Dex had him tighten the muscles in his feet, curling his toes as hard as he could. Then Jack relaxed them, easing out the tension in just his toes. Together, Dex and Jack went through all of Jack’s muscles from the bottom up, having him squeeze them tightly and then release the tension. By the time they had reached Jack’s face, he had calmed down quite a bit. He seemed embarrassed, which he shouldn’t have been, not at all, but Dex didn’t know how to tell him that without being awkward so he kept quiet. When Jack had deemed himself okay again, his hands dropped from his hair, his fingers flexing nervously. He glanced at Dex, embarrassment clear in his expression.

          “Where, uh, did you learn that?” Jack asked. Dex flushed a little.

          “My sister gets them a lot. She has social anxiety. And, uh, I have them every once in a while. M’not very good at managing my stress.” Dex tried to give him a small, encouraging smile and Jack nodded back, too tense to really smile yet.

          “Thank you,” he said, sincerity plain in his voice. Dex flushed deeper.

          “No problem, man.” Jack’s eyes shifted to the doorway. Dex turned to see Nursey was standing there, a glass of water in his hand and a somewhat awed look on his face. He stepped forward, giving Jack the water, and then took a step back. Nursey still seemed shaken up but he was attempting to conceal it.

          “I-I called Shitty. He’ll be here in five.” Nursey’s eyes flickered back and forth from Jack to Dex, a weird emotion behind them. Dex had no idea what was up with him, so he ignored him for the most part. Together, the three of them waited until Shitty got there and then Dex and Nursey left, both of them deciding that Jack needed some quiet time alone with Shitty.  Nursey walked with Dex to their dorms up until they reached the point where their paths diverged, Nursey’s building one way and Dex’s the other.

“That was really cool of you,” Nursey said as Dex turned to go.

          “What?” Dex turned back, his eyebrows furrowed. If he didn’t know any better, he would’ve thought that Nursey was blushing. Nursey didn’t blush and he certainly didn’t give Dex compliments. Something strange was going on, but Dex couldn’t read the emotions on Nursey’s face.

          “What you did for Jack. That was- it was really good of you, Dex.” He had this expression on his face like he was seeing something for the first time. Dex had no idea what Nursey was thinking, so he just nodded and left.

          Because he had turned away, Dex didn’t see the words Nursey had been stringing together in his head.

 

*~*~*

 

_there have been bombs dropped_

_that were less explosive than you_

_you have started wars with your lips_

_with your fingertips_

_you are hot to the touch_

_in the worst way_

_no sword, nor knife, nor word_

_has ever been as sharp as you_

_and yet, still I grasp your jagged metal_

_in my hands_

_bleeding from the cuts you leave_

_in a desperate attempt to hold onto you_

 

          On the ice, everything was okay. Dex was typically a very passionate guy and a lot of his emotions were turned up higher than most people’s. For some reason- it probably had something to do with his childhood but that was a problem for another day’s therapist- the emotion Dex had the most issue controlling was anger. But in hockey, anger was just fuel, just the thing that kept Dex going when his body was sore and freezing and there were only a few minutes left in the third period and he needed to keep the puck from going anywhere near his goalie. It was what made him a great player.

          But when he was younger, anger was what got him into fights. Anger was what made him punch Jimmy Baker in the face when he pulled on some girl’s pigtails, what made him hit back when Tommy Putz jumped him behind the school because Dex had made some “gay” comment in class, what got Dex bloodied and bruised and sitting on the bathroom counter while his older sister tried to patch him up. Dex’s anger was what let him survive, what let him grin with bloodied teeth and what let him get the money he needed for his little brother’s asthma medicine when he won that fight with Ronny Lamezzo and what pushed him to get outstanding grades because he wanted to tell the world to fuck itself because his guidance counselor had assumed Dex wouldn’t be going to college because of “the way he lived”.

          Anger was both Dex’s worst enemy and best friend and sometimes it was hard to control, even with the people he loved.

          He was out with the team, at this party that a friend of Shitty’s was throwing. Jack stayed home because he didn’t like partying and Lardo was finishing an art thing that she’d been cursing about for days, but besides them, it was the whole team. Holster and Ransom were attempting to talk to some girls from Shitty’s fem-lit class who were very obviously dating each other while Shitty, Nursey, Bitty, and Dex all sat on a couch, drinking, while Shitty smoked.

          “But brah, how do we _know_ Wall-E is a guy? He’s a robot, man, he has no gender,” Shitty drawled as Bitty fretted over the joint that was slipping precariously from Shitty’s fingers. Either he was extremely high or he had recently seen a Pixar film, if the way he was talking was any indication. It was mostly likely a combination of the two.

          “Dude, if that’s true, then Pixar could’ve shown the first non-binary character _and_ the first non-heterosexual relationship in a kid’s film,” Nursey said, who might have been high too just by sitting so close to Shitty.

          “Wall-E could identify as male, though,” Dex said even though he was only half-listening. He didn’t feel like getting drunk that night, but he was thinking about going home with somebody. At the time, he was trying to decide between this girl in a crop top who had a tongue ring she was playing with and this guy over by the drinks with very nice arms and hair Dex kind of wanted to _tug_.

          “Very true, very true,” Shitty said in a British accent. Then he and Nursey dissolved into giggles, leaning on each other for support. Bitty rolled his eyes, but it was fond, and Dex smiled to himself, happy that his friends were happy. He made eye contact with the guy over by the drinks and it was obvious that the guy was down too. Dex was just about to get up to “refresh his drink” when this other guy with a rectangle head stepped in front of Dex’s sightlines.

          “Are you two gay or something?” the guy asked, looking at Shitty and Nursey cuddled up together. Bitty tensed next to them on the couch, his back going ramrod straight.

          “Hey, asshole, get lost,” Dex said, letting a bit of a growl into his voice. Not only was the guy being a dick, but he was making Bitty uncomfortable, which definitely did not sit well with Dex. The guy turned on Dex, his stupid face scrunching up as he looked down at Dex.

          “What did you call me?” the guy asked, words coming out slowly like he needed to think really hard about them before he could form the syllables.

          “An asshole,” Dex said, anger flaring quick and hot. He stood up. “Now leave before I make you.”

          “Dex, honey, please sit down,” Bitty said, stricken eyes flitting back and forth between Dex and the asshole. Nursey seemed to be sober enough to realize what was going on and sat up in alarm.

          “Dexy, chill,” he said, which had never, in any situation, made Dex calmer. The guy raised his arm and threw a punch before anyone could say anything else and Dex dodged it easily before returning with his own. It landed exactly where he wanted it; the guy’s nose. Dex felt it break under his knuckles and watched as blood came pouring out. His adrenaline was running high and he was still pissed that this guy ruined the night, so he threw another and then two more before the guy regained enough awareness to punch back.

          He was stupid and clumsy, but the guy was big, and that strength was felt in Dex’s jaw when the fist connected. It stung but Dex loved it so he fought harder. He hadn’t been in a fight in so long. Some people would have said that that was a good thing, but Dex had missed it, the fight, the pain, the outlet. He got into it, throwing himself into it with everything he had. The guy clipped him in the mouth and it made Dex feel dizzy for a moment. It was kind of hazy after that, but the next thing he remembered was Holster and Ransom pulling him off of the guy and the team leading him out of the party.

          “Dex, brah, that was _s’wawesome_.” Shitty was grinning, joint still dangling from his lips. Dex spat out the blood in his mouth and gripped his jaw in one hand, moving it around to get out the ache.

          “It was completely unnecessary!” Bitty insisted. “Look at you, you’re bleeding!”

          “Chill, Bits,” Nursey said, “Dexy was just defending our honor.” He was grinning at Dex like he’d done something extraordinary and suddenly Dex remembered the guy from the drinks table who had met his gaze. He scowled back at Nursey and stomped ahead until he couldn’t see Nursey anymore. He didn’t know why he had associated Nursey with the hot guy Dex had wanted to go home with, but he did, and that fact just made him even angrier.

          Because Dex marched up ahead, he didn’t see Nursey’s hurt expression or the poem forming behind his eyes.

 

*~*~*

 

_smoke curls from your mouth_

_your lips are parted_

_pink and tempting_

_I find myself wanting_

_to taste the smoke on your tongue_

_I want to get high_

_off of you_

 

          Dex didn’t know how it happened. One minute, he was happily winning a game of Mario Kart and the next he was getting high on the Haus living room floor. Shitty and Lardo had rushed into the room, cheering about how they had “really good shit”, and started rolling joints on the living room table. Dex had gotten one rolled by Lardo, so it was expertly done, and he silently praised her abilities. He was no stranger to the occasional weed, but he flushed as he remembered his last time smoking. It had been with his at-the-time girlfriend and they had been shot gunning even though they hadn’t really needed to and well.

          Dex told himself to stop thinking about it or else he’d be sporting a hard on while sitting with his friends in the Haus. He put the joint in his mouth, took the lighter Holster handed him, and brought it up so he could light it. Using his hand to shield the flame from any passing breezes, Dex lit the end of his joint and took a deep breath in. As he handed the lighter over to Chowder, who looked at it as if it would bite him, he pulled the joint away from his mouth and exhaled the smoke.

          “Wow, this _is_ good,” Dex commented, letting his eyes shut so he could really let the feeling take over him.

          “Whoa, Poindexter, surprising weed knowledge. Do tell,” Shitty said with a grin, his joint hanging from between his lips.

          “It’s a good side business,” Dex said simply, shrugging. He never sold it, he wasn’t sociable enough for that, but his older sister, Colleen, was ace at making money off of it. She was the one who taught him how to blow smoke rings and, right then, he wondered if he could still do it. So he took a long drag and then tried it, forming an “O” with his lips. He got cheers as he accomplished it and he flushed in embarrassment at all the attention.

          “That’s hot,” Lardo said seriously, making Dex flush even more. The rest of the guys looked impressed, even Bitty, who usually wasn’t all that enthusiastic about smoking. Then Dex’s eyes caught on Nursey, who was staring at him blatantly. He raised his eyebrows back which prompted Nursey to look away quickly. Dex opened his mouth to call Nursey out and make him explain but he was cut off.

          “Shotgun!” Ransom cheered from the couch. Dex looked over just in time to see him and Holster touch mouths. It was still impossible to tell if they were just platonic or not, not that Dex cared. He looked back over at Nursey, but Nursey had become interested in his own joint and was no longer even facing Dex’s direction. Dex didn’t know why that made him ache inside, so he took another long drag to try and quell the feeling in his chest.

          As the night went on, everyone started getting sleepy and hungry. Bitty went around handing out pie and making sure no one fell asleep with a lit joint. Chowder, Dex, and Nursey decided just to sleep at the Haus that night instead of trying to walk all the way back to their dorms. Bitty helped them gather extra blankets and pillows and the three frogs made a nest on the living room floor. Everyone went up to bed, Lardo apparently going with Shitty (Dex really had no idea who was dating who), leaving the three frogs to get tucked into their ball of blankets alone.

          Chowder fell asleep instantly, as he had never had smoked before and it was hitting him pretty hard. Dex and Nursey were left next to one another, sharing one of the last joints left, passing it back and forth in the quiet of the dark Haus like a secret only the two of them knew. A part of Dex tingled every time he put his mouth on the joint that Nursey had just had pressed against his lips. He tried not to examine it too much. As they passed it to one another, they had the typical high-conversation, both of them mellowed out and unable to argue. It was nice, Dex concluded, one of the first times they hung out with one another and didn’t aggravate each other.

Finally, they got down to the last bit of it, only enough for one last puff.

          “Shotgun?” Nursey suggested, his eyes lit up funnily and his mouth curving into a slow smirk. Dex felt himself flush, remembering his ex-girlfriend and inserting Nursey into that situation, and he shook his head.

          “Nah, man, you can have it.” Dex might have been imagining it, but he was pretty sure he saw disappointment flashing across Nursey’s face. It was gone as quick as it came, though, and Nursey shrugged, holding the last bit out anyway.

          “You should take it. I’m already high enough.” Dex wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth, so he took it and breathed in deeply the last bit of smoke. It really was some good shit and Dex felt pleasantly loose and relaxed. He let the smoke out in a few little rings, grinning at Nursey when he was finished.

          After putting out the joint, Dex turned over and went to sleep, not noticing the poetry curling like smoke from Nursey’s lips.

 

*~*~*

 

_brighter than a leaf in fall_

_softer than the fruit_

_not quite as cinnamon as a pumpkin_

_but sweeter than a light leather_

_I imagine that there is some magical place_

_where the sunset is a blur of orange and gold_

_filled only with the good things of the day_

_shining as brightly as your passion_

_melting into a horizon of deep sea blue_

_and this sunset might just come close_

_to being as beautiful_

_as the color of your hair_

 

          Dex decided to let his hair grow out. It was the playoffs; he wasn’t supposed to shave or cut his hair or anything. So he decided to allow his hair to do what it wanted, even though, when he didn’t cut it for a month, it would curl up at the ends and turn him into an awful looking carrot-top of a mess. He would just have to wear a lot of hats, he reasoned; team comradery was more important than appearances.

          The first time it was noticeable, or noticed, he was at the Haus, alternating between cutting up fruit for Bitty’s pies and going over his history notes. Bitty was talking about how Dex should talk to Jack for good study material for his upcoming history test. Dex was just trying to read a word that he had accidentally smudged with blueberry during his pie prep.

          Then, Shitty and Nursey walked in, discussing something about an Andover alum being kicked out of college for having someone else take a test for him. Suddenly, Shitty stopped with no warning, Nursey bumping into him from behind. His eyes were on Dex, specifically Dex’s head, and he zipped over, taking Dex’s head into his hands and pulling it down so Shitty could inspect it further.

          “Ow, Shits, what the hell?” Dex grumbled, trying to regain control of his own head (seriously, what the fuck?). Shitty finally let go and cheered loudly, right into Dex’s ear.

          “You’re going for the flow man, the _flow_. I am so proud.” Shitty wiped away a fake tear. “My little frog, you are growing up.” Shitty sighed dreamily, saying, “Sick carroty flow man, sick carroty flow.”

          “I am _not_ going for flow,” Dex replied, turning back to his pie. “I’m just not cutting it for playoffs. After they’re over, it’s back to once a month haircuts.” He didn’t see the annoyed frown Shitty was sending him.

          “One day you will see the merits of a flow.” Shitty shook his head and went to the fridge to get beer. Nursey, on the other hand, came up behind Dex and grinned at him.

          “I don’t know, Dexy, flow could look sweet on you,” he said as he raised his hand and messed with Dex’s hair. Dex flushed and then got angry at himself for doing it and not really knowing why.

          “Fuck off, Nursey,” he said with no heat in his voice. Nursey laughed and stole one of Dex’s blueberries, popping it into his mouth and grinning.

          Dex turned back to his pie, determined to ignore Nursey and his stupid perfect face, not noticing that Nursey’s eyes were lingering on his hair, imperfect comparisons to every orange thing he could think of filling his mind.

 

*~*~*

 

_like sailors in times long lost_

_I use the stars to find my way_

_not the rocks living millions of miles from me_

_but the constellations on your skin_

_I follow them down your neck_

_to the sweet cavern of your collarbone_

_and up your strong hands_

_to the tempting muscle of your arms_

_I would like to follow them with my tongue_

_and unlock the secrets of your soul_

_by whispering my own into you_

_but for now I watch from here_

_following with my eyes only_

_like an astronomer looking through a telescope_

_in love with the stars_

_but much too far away_

 

          Dex spent his summer break on a boat. This meant a couple of things; 1. Dex was sunburned for most of June before it faded into a tan, 2. His arms were perpetually sore from hauling up cages full of lobsters, 3. His hair turned into an orangey-gold color Dex would never admit that he was quite fond of, and 4. His stupid freckles came out with renewed force.

          Most of those things he didn’t mind; he liked having tanner skin, as he was usually pasty as all hell, and though his arms were sore they were also more toned, which he liked to show off by wearing tank tops. When his hair got all golden and stuff, he actually kind of liked it, so that was why he hadn’t cut his hair since before playoffs, not because of Nursey or anything. The only thing he didn’t like was his freckles.

          During the non-summer months, his freckles were fairly light and only really noticeable when people got super close to him. But in the summer, the freckles on his shoulders, face, arms, whatever part of his body got in the sun really, they all become a dark tan color to accommodate the darker shade of his skin. This summer, became extremely, blatantly obvious and Dex felt like a splatter painting gone wrong.

          On his first day back at Samwell, he debated wearing a tank top to the Haus because he wanted to show off his arms but he also wanted to hide his freckles. Eventually he just decided to wear it. He was proud of his arms and he was going to flaunt them (this decision was not in any way influenced by the fact that Nursey would be at the Haus too) (shut up it wasn’t). So he pulled on a tank top and some loose basketball shorts because it was hotter in Massachusetts than it was in Maine.

          When he got to the Haus, everyone greeted him with big hugs and loud cheers, which was s’wawesome. He really missed them all over the summer and he hadn’t realized how much until he walked in the door. After untangling himself from Ransom and Holster’s tackle-hug, he went to the kitchen to find Bitty and, hopefully, some pie. He was rewarded for his venture with a sinfully delicious slice of peach pie.

          Both Bitty and Dex returned to the living room with the pie and watched as Ransom and Holster fought over who got to go first in Dance Dance Revolution (Ransom had a professional gaming pad for it.) Of course, Ransom and Holster’s fights weren’t _really_ fights, but it was still funny to watch them. Holster had finally managed to gain control of the board by referencing some Incident of Last March that Dex was unaware of when Nursey came down from upstairs.

          It annoyed Dex that his chest did a little flutter when he saw Nursey for the first time since the start of summer. Nursey looked about the same, with his stupid foofy hair and his annoyingly stark jawline and his pretty eyes. Dex tried not to think about it too hard. Instead, he smiled at Nursey, because they were friends and that’s what friends did, and waved a little with the hand still holding a fork.

          Nursey kind of just… stood there for a moment. Dex had no idea what he was doing but no one else in the room seemed to notice. Nursey’s eyes were on Dex, but not meeting his gaze, further down. Dex glanced down at himself to see his freckle-filled arms and he scowled, looking back up at Nursey.

          “Leave me alone,” he said, grumbling into his pie.

          Nursey seemed confused. “I didn’t even say anything!” He came over and joined Dex and Ransom on the couch (Bitty refused to sit on it still; he took the armchair.) Then Nursey continued, eyes still on Dex’s abnormal spots, “It’s just. There’s so many of them.”

          Dex scowled again, but the effect was kind of dampened by the fork sticking out of his mouth. “They come out more during the summer,” he says. “There’s nothing I can do about it.”

          Then Dex turned towards the dance battle going on, completely missing the expression on Nursey’s face, which blatantly showed how much Nursey enjoyed the new development.

 

*~*~*

 

_your eyes are always closed_

_blind to the truth in my heart_

_I wish you could see_

_the pain your oblivion causes me_

-

          Dex was half-asleep in his English homework. It was some kind of analysis of an excerpt from some famous old guy’s book and Dex was just not into it. He was kind of worried that the words on the page of the book he was leaning on would fuse into his skin and he’d be stuck with a weird, backwards tattoo written by a sexist old dude for the rest of his life, but he was too tired to care. He had spent the day doing suicide runs in practice, helping this guy move into an apartment because Dex got forty bucks and a case of fairly decent beer in return, and hunching over in the Haus kitchen trying to get Betsy up and running again.

          He was so tired that he almost didn’t open his eyes when the typing noise next to him changed into a pen scratching noise, but he did. He pried his eyes open to see Nursey writing on a pink Post-It note with an intense look on his face. Dex sat up, the paper unsticking from his face, and craned his neck so he could see what Nursey was writing.

          It was a poem.

          “Whoa, Nursey, intense,” Dex said after he finished reading it. Nursey’s head snapped up, horror written on his face. He seemed to have forgotten Dex was there. “Calm down, man, it’s nice.”

          Nursey swallowed visibly. “Really?” he asked, sounding vulnerable.

          “Yeah, it’s like, unrequited love, right?” Dex was pretty dense when it came to poetry, but he felt like these words were pretty obvious. Though on the outside he feigned mild interest, on the inside he ached for some reason. Nursey was writing about unrequited love. One could imply that that meant Nursey loved someone. Nursey loved someone. Why did that thought make Dex’s chest clench?

          “Yeah,” Nursey said through a cough. “It’s uh, just a point of view thing, you know?” Dex didn’t know, but he nodded anyway, turning back to his annoying English homework.

          He didn’t see the longing look Nursey gave him and he also didn’t see Nursey glancing over at him as Nursey finished the poem.

 

_-_

_but I must be a masochist_

_because I would take all of this pain_

_for just one look_

_at your eyes_

 

*~*~*

 

_empty halls and hollow promises_

_cut-off phone calls and boarding school birthdays_

_I have been raised on absence_

_indifference became survival_

_big breakfast mornings and_

_words that were worth more than anything else_

_unending torrents of people_

_all of them dedicated to seeing you smile_

_you were raised on presence_

_fed with warm embraces_

_bathed with the comfort of knowing you were wanted_

_here_

_standing so close to you_

_that warmth and devotion is tangible_

_I feel it in every touch_

_every look_

_the force of it is so strong that_

_sometimes I think_

_maybe I could be wanted_

_too_

 

          “I don’t know, Dex,” Nursey said, biting his lip. He stood on the curb, his arms crossed both to show defiance and because he was cold in just his flimsy sweater. Dex sighed, throwing him an extra jacket, and opened the passenger seat door.

          “Just get in.” Dex was already flustered enough at having to do this. Nursey was just making it worse. Despite his annoyance, a small pleased feeling brewed in his chest as Nursey put the jacket on.

          “Won’t your parents get mad that I’m crashing Christmas?” Nursey looked genuinely worried and a part of Dex, a part that he tried to shove down deep, wanted to wrap Nursey in a hug until that expression melted off his face.

Instead, Dex just grunts and says, “Of course not. The more the merrier. Just get _in_ , Nursey.” Nursey rolled his eyes, but finally agreed, and got into the car after throwing his suitcase in the back. Dex walked around the car and got into the driver’s seat and they were off.

          The ride to Maine was long, but it wasn’t as bad as it usually was when Dex drove alone. Nursey forced Dex to let him play music from his phone, but when Dex finally relented, it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. It was mostly indie punk stuff, but Dex liked the beat of some of it and the lyrics were basically poetry, so Dex could get behind it. Nursey also tried to play a bunch of I Spy games, most of which were shut down fairly quickly (metaphysical I Spy? Really Nurse? Could you be any more hipster if you tried?).

          However, by the time they arrived in Maine, Dex felt as if time had flown by. As he parked in front of his childhood home, he sent a nervous smile to Nursey. A part of Dex was a little nervous about how his family would like Nursey and another part was worried that Nursey would be overwhelmed by all the gingers and another part was embarrassed at how his house must have looked through Nursey’s eyes. Despite those parts, Dex was excited that Nursey was meeting his family. Don’t ask him why, though, because he had no idea. He turned away from Nursey and opened his car door, exiting the vehicle.

          The second he stepped out, he was attacked by three ginger children, two of his younger siblings and his cousin.

          “Will’s home!” his sister Sadie yelled in his ear as she tried to climb him like a tree. Scott, one of Dex’s little brothers, had his face pressed into Dex’s stomach and he was rambling about this new video game he got. Winnie, Dex’s uncle Finn’s daughter, had sat down and wrapped herself completely around Dex’s left leg. Over the tops of their tiny ginger heads, Dex sent Nursey a “help me” look but Nursey just laughed.

          “Derek!” Dex’s mother had come to the door, apron on that said “Where there’s a whisk, there’s a way!” Max, Dex’s other brother, had gotten her that for her birthday a few years back. She grinned at Dex and Nursey from the doorway, unable to come further outside in just her socks. “I was so happy to hear you’d be joining us this year. The more’s the merrier, I always say. I mean, just look at how many kids I have.” She laughed, Nursey joined in, and Dex struggled under the limbs of four energetic children (Dex’s cousin Liam had joined the fray.)

          “Ma, a little help,” Dex panted out. Why was Sadie trying to pull his ears off?

          “Come on, kids, leave Will alone.” The kids climbed down reluctantly, but remained near him.

          “I’ll be right back, guys; I just gotta drop my stuff in my room.” None of the kids looked mollified, but then someone from inside the house screamed “Hide and seek!” and they all ran off. Nursey looked incredibly amused as he watched them all fight to get into the house before each other. “Come on, man, we need to put our stuff down.”

          Nursey grabbed his stuff and Dex grabbed his own and they hurried up the stairs. Dex’s room wasn’t very big, but it would fit him and Nursey alright for the amount of time they would be there. There was an air mattress for them to blow up and enough room on the floor for that, so they were fine. So fine. Dex had no feelings whatsoever about having Nursey in his childhood room. Nope, none.

          “All the little Dexters man, it’s like a sea of orange,” Nursey said as they entered the room.

          “You haven’t even met everyone yet. I think right now only Finn’s, Cindy’s, and Fiona’s families are here now. We’re still waiting on Laura’s and Quinn’s, and they’ve got like seven kids between the two of them.” Dex paused, glancing around his room. “You can just throw your stuff in the closet,” he told Nursey as he dropped his own stuff next to his bed. “We can unpack later.” Behind him, Dex heard Nursey open his closet door, but then the noise stopped.

          “Uh, Dex.” Dex turned around to see Nursey staring at the floor of Dex’s closet. Sitting on the ground underneath Dex’s hanging shirts was his little cousin Charlie, Liam’s brother. He blinked up at the two of them, hesitated for a moment, and then scrambled off the floor and into Dex.

          “Hey Will,” he said, trying to sound casual even as he buried his face in Dex’s stomach because he was a cool nine year old. As he unwrapped himself from Dex’s waist he gestured towards Nursey and asked, “Is this your boyfriend?” Charlie sounded completely innocent, looking genuinely interested, but Dex couldn’t keep himself from blushing deeply.

          “Uh, no, he’s my teammate. Nursey, this is Charlie, Charlie this is Nursey.” Dex coughed, trying to clear the awkwardness from his voice. He glanced at Nursey to see him wearing an incredulous expression.

          “Hey man,” Nursey waved, still looking a little flabbergasted. From downstairs, the words, “Ready or not, here I come!” are shouted and Charlie scrambled back into the closet, taking Nursey’s stuff with him. When the closet door had been shut, Nursey gave Dex a strange look and asked, “You’re gay?”

          “Bi, actually,” Dex said, looking anywhere but at Nursey.

          “Oh. Cool.” Dex chanced a look at Nursey and saw the awkwardness had diffused slightly. He sighed and turned to go.

          “Come on, you’ve got to meet the rest of the clan.” Nursey followed him out of the room and down the stairs, where several generations of Poindexters were waiting to greet them. “Everybody,” Dex said from the staircase, “this is Nursey. Nursey, this is everybody.” The entire house yelled a collective greeting and Nursey swallowed hard, nerves seeming to grip him for a moment. Dex gave him a somewhat reassuring grin and pulled him down the steps.

          It went pretty well. Everyone loved Nursey, especially Dex’s older sister Colleen, who geeked out about English with him. Apparently they both liked the same authors. A couple of the kids got Nursey to join them in Twister and he ended up losing when a bunch of red headed children tackled him to the ground. Nursey took it in stride, laughing loudly and tickling any of them within reach. Dex tried to keep the fondness from his expression as he looked on, but he was pretty sure at least four of his relatives noticed, one of whom was his mom.

          “Dex, honey, could you watch Eli for me?” Fiona called from the kitchen. Fiona recently had her fifth child and her daughter, Eli (short for Elisabeth), was only five months old. She was adorable, with tufts of strawberry blonde hair on her head and big green eyes she blinked at anyone within reach. As Fiona was busy with dinner, Dex got up, went to the kitchen, and took the baby from the kitchen and into the living room. Before Dex could reclaim his seat on the couch, Eli poked at his nose and gurgled something, making him stop and smile at her and poke her nose back.

          Nursey looked up from where he was having a pillow fight with some of Uncle Quinn’s kids (who were all well into their teens but always down for a pillow fight) and paused when he saw Dex. Because of this, he got smacked in the face with a pillow by Quinn’s daughter, Abby, who laughed in victory.

          “Where’d you get the baby, Poindexter?” Nursey asked when he had recovered from the hit.

          “This is Eli,” Dex said, grinning down at the baby as she giggled. He took her little baby hand in his own and had her wave at Nursey. Nursey beamed at her, waving back, and Eli squealed. Nursey got hit again with a pillow, this time Liam being the perpetrator.

          “Oh, come on guys, I’m distracted,” Nursey complained as he blinked away the shock of being hit with a pillow.

          “Stop staring at Will then, and get your head in the game,” said Abby through a pant as she fought her brother, Tyler, to the death. She sent a quick smirk Dex’s way and he stuck his tongue out at her, which Eli then replicated.

          After Nursey had lost incredibly to the Poindexter clan, dinner was announced and everyone rushed to the dining room. The kids got set up at another table and Nursey got sat across from Dex, in between Dex’s aunt Cindy and his uncle Finn. Dex’s dad said grace from the head of the table and then chaos erupted, bowls and plates passed around with zero coordination. Dex got mashed potatoes on his shirt. It was one of the things Dex missed the most from home, those dinners; laughing and sharing stories about his week with his family, eating delicious home-cooked food, surrounded by the comfort of family.

          At one point, Dex’s aunt Cindy’s wife made a joke that had Dex dissolving into belly-aching laughs. He laughed so hard that he missed the absolutely heartbreaking look on Nursey’s face, one that read how much he loved the kind of family dinner they were having and how much he never had it growing up. Dex missed the blatant longing in Nursey’s eyes, a longing for Dex and family and love and comfort, for the rest of his life.

 

*~*~*

 

_you are-_

_the electricity in the air_

_after a lightning storm_

_the smell of a beach_

_after a bonfire_

_the feeling before a game_

_and after a good win_

_the buzz after a few drinks_

_and none of the hangover_

_the ending of a good book_

_that never really ends_

_you are-_

_what I think home should feel like_

          Dex reads the last poem in the book and closes it, looking up from the words. It’s been at least two hours since he opened the book. Somehow, he just started reading and forgot to stop. The poems, all of them, were so… mesmerizing. Captivating. Beautiful. Dex could list adjectives all day. He’s read poetry before, but Nursey’s tells a story, something Dex can figure out. Dex can hear the meaning behind the words and the meaning is.

          Well, it’s something Dex has wanted for a long time.

          The person in the poems has to be Dex, right? Orange hair, freckles, anger, explosions, obliviousness. It _has_ to be Dex. There is a fear, a horrible pit of doubt in the bottom of Dex’s stomach, that says it isn’t him. There is no way Nursey could feel this way about _him_. But Dex pushes that voice down, muffles it with his hope, and quickly hops up from his bed.

          After grabbing his coat, Dex rushes out the door, just barely remembering to snag his keys off of his desk before he does. Nursey’s dorm isn’t all the way across campus, but it isn’t close. Dex runs anyway, his breathing labored from both the overwhelming discovery and the exertion. He reaches Nursey’s dorm in seven minutes and he races up the stairs, too hurried to wait for the elevator, and knocks heavily on Nursey’s door when he reaches it.

          Nursey answers the door with bedhead in just a pair of sweatpants, rubbing at his eyes to get the sleep out of them, and _God_ , Dex loves him.

          “Dex? What- are you okay-” Nursey cuts himself off when Dex holds up the journal. He recognizes it right away, eyes widening and jaw dropping just a bit. “You, uh- where’d you- did you- how did you find that?”

          “It fell on me when I was in your dorm last week,” Dex says, yelling at himself internally. This isn’t the important issue; Nursey likes him, _loves_ him. That is what needs to be discussed.

          “Did, uh, did you read it?” Nursey won’t take his eyes off of the book.

          “Yeah, I did.” Dex swallows hard and screws up all the courage he’s ever had and asks, “Do you love me?”

          Suddenly Nursey’s eyes flash to him, locked on Dex’s eyes. They don’t waver or glance away; they stay firmly trained on Dex’s gaze. Dex is vibrating out of his skin. It’s so tense but all they’re doing is staring at each other. Dex wants to turn and run away, he wants to yell and throw a punch, he wants to take a step forward and kiss Nursey right on his stupid fucking mouth. He wants to hold Nursey in his arms and tell him that he’s wanted, that Dex wants him, that Dex will be home for him if home is what Nursey needs.

          Nursey’s mouth opens and the word he says takes a second to register in Dex’s ears. “Yes,” Nursey says, his eyes broken and expression cracked. Dex wants to hold the pieces together to keep them from falling apart so he does, he takes Nursey’s cheek in his hand and pulls Nursey’s lips to his own and kisses him and hopes that this kiss can say whatever Nursey needs to hear and Dex can’t say.

          When Dex pulls back a moment later because it’s hard to kiss when his breathing is so labored, he keeps his forehead resting against Nursey’s, his eyes closed and his lips curled in a smile. He wishes he had Nursey’s way with words so he could say just how much he really cares for Nursey. But Dex can’t write a book full of poems, so he hopes that was he does say will do.

          Quietly, only for the two of them to hear, Dex says, “I loved your poems.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked it! Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


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